Posted by Lila on February 24th, 2006
In the comments section of my February 3rd entry, as you may recall, Mistress Yoko posted this teasing comment:
Hope you liked the present I gave you– we’ll put it to good use soon!
This prompted Jennifer to inquire as to the nature of the present and its use… to which Mistress Yoko replied:
Thanks for asking about Lila’s present! It is a handcrafted item that I made especially for her– but rather than describe it to you, I think it’s best to show it to you. So if you don’t mind waiting a little longer, you’ll see it soon.
Well, now the truth can be told: Mistress Yoko knitted me a hat. A hat with little kittycat ears on it, and little pompoms dangling from it.
You see, one of Mistress Yoko’s favorite cruel ways of teasing and humiliating me is to call me her “little kittycat,†and to sometimes force me to humiliate myself by meowing for her.
So on Tuesday night, when Neige came over for her first visit in a while. She told me it was time to play with Mistress Yoko’s present. She made me put the hat on before I stripped for my inspection, and then she made me continue to wear the hat (and only the hat, of course) for her entire visit.
Neige made me serve and pleasure her for a couple of hours, touching me all the while to get me desperately worked up, and teasing me by calling me “kittycat†and “pussycat.†Then she ordered me to get down on all fours and “meow like a kittycat for Mistress Yoko,†while she photographed me (for Mistress Yoko, of course). I protested and pleaded, of course, but Neige said that these were Mistress Yoko’s orders, and that if I didn’t hurry up and obey, she’d tell Mistress Yoko I was being defiant and see what she had to say about that. Well, I’ve learned my lesson about defying Mistress Yoko! I’m ashamed to admit it, but she’s really got me broken, cowed, and tamed… I’m terrified of incurring her displeasure now. So I did as I was told, and afterwards Neige declared that since I’d meowed so well, and since Mistress Yoko had been pleased with my behavior lately, there were no further punishments for me that evening. She then ordered me to repeatedly bring myself to orgasm, as a reward.
The next morning, I got an email from Mistress Yoko, teasing me about the picture Neige had sent her, and saying:
I wanted to have a picture of you for the knitting portion of my site to show off the hat I made for you. I was going to crop it and alter it so that your identity was hidden, but the hat was prominently displayed.
However, because you’ve been great with not smoking, and because I think you have the potential to make great progress with the zen meditation, I’m going to be very merciful and not post your picture on my site.
Whew! I’m certainly grateful that she decided to be merciful! Though of course, even though she’s not displaying the picture, she’s still making me write about the whole thing.
And Jennifer, even though you don’t get to see that incredibly humiliating picture of me, Mistress Yoko is keeping her word about you getting to see the hat! She took a picture of it before she sent it to me, and it’s now been posted here on the website where she records her completed knitting projects:
http://yoko.typepad.com/photos/knitted_finished_objects/kittyhat.html
You’ll see that on that page, Mistress Yoko notes:
I knitted a bright red bow to attach to the hat, a la Hello Kitty, but it was too much, so I didn’t keep it. The pompoms could’ve been a little bigger, too. But from what I can tell, the hat fits perfectly!
I am so grateful that she decided not to go with the red bow!
And I’ve got to admit that she’s right: the hat is totally embarrassing, but it does fit my head perfectly. How does she do it?
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Posted by Lila on February 21st, 2006
Whew! A whole three-day weekend spent alone at the office, catching up on work, and at the gym, and sleeping, and just… processing.
Now, what can I tell you about my trip to the monastery?
I loved it.
I way more than loved it… I found something I didn’t even consciously know I was missing. A peace that I’ve only felt before under hypnosis, or as I’m drifting in semi-consciousness after being forced into complete erotic submission. Well, not as deep as that… it definitely was nothing to compare with the peace I’ve sometimes experienced in the post-orgasm afterglow when Mistress Yoko has had her way with me… but in some strange way it was the same kind of peace, and I could feel that maybe it could get that deep someday, if I kept at it. Like the Roshi (I don’t know exactly what a Roshi’s job is, but he seemed to be that place’s equivalent of Dumbledore)… in him I got the feeling that maybe it was that deep, like he was permanently in that post-orgasmic afterglow.
Most of the people there didn’t set off my alarms. If you’ve been reading awhile, you know I have major anxiety disorders. I don’t do the social thing. I can’t get close to most people. I get panic attacks in crowds of strangers. But I didn’t, in the monastery. I ate and slept and cleaned and meditated with a crowd of strangers, and I was fine. Something about the way they were, especially the ones who I think had been there longer… it was like hanging out with Nicky. Like they were complete in some way that let them just be with me, not needing anything from me emotionally, ready to accept it if I fucked up… like whatever games of give-and-take most people play all the time, they just weren’t playing. With Nicky, I always chalked that up to his autism, but now I wonder if maybe it’s all that zen practice he’s done, because some of the older monks and nuns were kind of like that, especially the Roshi.
If zen practice can make people that way, then maybe it can make me that way. I think that’s what I want.
That’s why I’m going back to the monastery as soon as I can figure out how to arrange it so I don’t lose my job. I need to arrange for some kind of sabbatical, because next time I go, I’m going to stay longer. I need to. It scares the hell out of me, but I think I need to go back and stay there for a whole month. I don’t know when I’ll be able to do that, but I’m going to be working on it.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense right now. I think I’m babbling. I know I’m not doing a very good job of telling you what it was like there.
People are quiet. Everyone is totally focused on whatever they’re doing. Everything is neat and orderly, the way I like it, but there’s nothing forced about it… no one seems to worry about keeping things orderly, the way I always do… they just do it.
They mostly grow their own food. It’s all vegetarian, and I thought the food would be bland and boring, but it’s not at all.
When I found out how long the meditation sessions were, I almost panicked, I knew I couldn’t sit that long. But it turns out that you don’t sit still through the whole session… they alternate sitting meditation with “walking meditation.†Everyone sits for a while, and then the head monk rings a gong and everyone walks slowly in a big circle for a while, and then they sit again. Of course, you still end up sitting still long enough for it to hurt like hell and for your legs to fall asleep so it hurts like even more hell when it’s time to stand up. But guess what? It turns out that being forced to spend hours tightly tied in uncomfortable positions is really good practice for sitting zazen! I was told that I dealt with it much better than most newbies. People were surprised that I didn’t regularly do lots of meditation at home (though now I’m starting), because I could handle the sitting so well. Of course, I didn’t tell any of them how I got used to staying in uncomfortable positons for so long!
Still, sitting zazen is harder than being tied up, in a way, because when I’m tied up I can’t move no matter how much I want to, but with zazen there’s nothing holding me in position but my own willpower (it’s a good thing my willpower got all that exercise recently from quitting smoking). And when I’m tied up, whoever is there to hear it usually thinks it’s pretty amusing if I whimper and moan in my discomfort and distress, but in the monastery I got the feeling that whimpering and moaning wouldn’t be appreciated. As much as I hate being ballgagged (and I hate it a lot), there were times there where I wished someone would stuff a gag in my mouth, so that when I was trying not to whimper I’d have something to bite down on besides my lip.
But despite that, I loved it, because there were moments when I just felt this peace that I never knew that I could feel without being guided or forced into it.
Anyway, I’m back in my regular life now. Back in my own apartment, back in my job, and still Mistress Yoko’s slave. I don’t feel more enlightened, or less full of anxiety… I’m still being obsessive-compulsive, the things that made me feel panicky still make me feel panicky, I still burn with furious humiliation every single morning when I shave my privates and put on my Hello Kitty panties and am reminded that my closest friend has turned me into a helpless plaything for her cruel amusement.
But I’ve found something. It might not have changed much yet, but I’ve found something new that I want to do more of eventually, that could make my life very different someday.
Also, I haven’t smoked for 2 months.
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Posted by Lila on February 16th, 2006
I’m back!
I have a lot to write about, but I’m exhausted, and I’m still unpacking, and I have to go to work tomorrow and probably work most of the weekend to catch up on whatever piled up on my desk while I was away. But you’ll get my report soon!
Meanwhile, you can amuse yourselves with the Johari Window Meme that seems to have been going around the blogosphere while I was away. The idea: you pick some adjectives that describe how you see me, and we get to see how the way other people see me is different or similar to how I see myself. Check it out here:
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Guttergaunt
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Posted by Lila on February 6th, 2006
Monday, February 6th, 2006
Unlike Nicky and Old Cutter John and some of the other bloggers I read, I don’t write much about my spiritual life.
Unless, that is, we accept Nicky’s frighteningly convincing point of view that my sexual subjugation counts as some kind of ritual enactment of the archetypal myth of Inanna’s descent into the Underworld… in which case I guess I’m writing about my spiritual life all the time.
Aside from that, though, I’m not even sure I know how to write about my spiritual life.
This is what I can say: the Vatican’s official statement on those insane Muslim riots about those cartoons of Mohammed included this sentence:
“The right to freedom of thought and expression cannot entail the right to offend the religious sentiment of believers.â€
I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I’ve decided that my official statement on that is, “Fuck the Vatican.†That was the last straw for me. Today was the day I officially crossed over from being a lapsed Catholic to being an ex-Catholic.
And in three days, I’m off to the Buddhist monastery. Timing like that… well, it makes one think.
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Posted by Lila on February 3rd, 2006
[Kneels and sings “Happy Birthdayâ€]
I’d hate to find out what would happen to me if I forgot her birthday! Actually, her birthday was Wednesday, so I’m just a wee bit late getting this posted… but I remembered, that’s the important thing (I sure hope she sees it that way too)!
Six weeks without a cigarette! I’m starting to feel kind of proud of myself even though it wasn’t my choice! (And maybe Mistress Yoko will see it as a good enough birthday present to make up for my slightly late birthday wishes…) The hypnosis sessions with Nicky are helping a lot… I just had another one Wednesday (that’s why I was late with this post, Mistress… I was in a hypnotic trance!)… and of course, the fear of what Mistress Yoko would do to me if I slipped is also a wonderful motivator!
Six weeks… and according to that little counter in the upper right corner of the page, that’s over 1,700 cigarettes I would have smoked since mid-December if I hadn’t quit!
Considering that usually I obsessively count all kinds of things, I can’t believe I never did the math on that during all those years of smoking!
Even though I’m still craving cigarettes a lot of the time, the thought of smoking 1,700 of them makes me want to puke.
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