GUTTERGAUNT

5 Questions

Posted by Lila on April 27th, 2006

Mistress Yoko’s awesome boyfriend Lipby (well, a stronger word than boyfriend is probably needed, since they own a house together and all… and no, Lipby isn’t his real name, I don’t know how he got such a goofy nickname) posted an entry in his LiveJournal, offering this invitation to his readers:

1. Ask me any five questions and I shall answer them honestly; or

2. Let me ask YOU five questions and you shall answer them honestly; or

3. Both.

Lipby decided that my five questions to him, mostly about his thoughts on his girlfriend’s role in my life, were best answered somewhere other than his own journal (I can see how answering them there would have led to all sorts of other annoying questions from lots of other readers), so he answered them in my Storybook yesterday, and you can read my questions and his answers there.

Lipby also asked me five questions, and it’s only fair that I answer them. I decided to answer them here, especially since a couple of them are questions that other readers have asked me, that I haven’t really answered yet. And while I’m at it, anyone else who wants to is invited to join in the fun and ask me five questions. A lot of you readers have asked me questions in private emails recently, and I don’t usually answer emails from most people, no matter how nice they are, so if you’re one of those readers who’s asked me questions in email, now is your chance to finally get them answered.

One thing, though… I do reserve the right to answer “That’s classified information” anytime that I feel an honest answer might reveal things about me that could allow someone who knows me offline to connect my offline self with this site, or that could help a potential stalker to track me down offline.

Here are Lipby’s questions, and my answers:

1. You describe yourself as bisexual, but talk almost nothing about sex with men. Does that come across your radar screen at all?

Oh, boy, this is going to be a long answer…

I think I was born bi but leaning toward women… maybe more like 60/40 than 50/50. But my life experiences have definitely led me to be much more into women then men… it’s probably something like 95/5 now. For one thing, as you know if you’ve read my memoirs of my earliest bondage experiences in the Tales & Art section of this site, my first sexual experiences, as a teen, were experiences of bondage games with a group of female friends. This all-girl bondage play went on regularly for a couple of years before I ever even kissed a boy, so it was really the thing that shaped my budding sexuality.

For another thing, when I was living on the streets in my early 20s, I suffered some traumatic violence at the hands of men, and I’m still struggling with PTSD. My PTSD is easily triggered by men, and never triggered by women. A woman can physically overpower me, tie me up, and forcibly take me with a strap-on, and it won’t set off my PTSD at all, and never has (it’s still distressing, infuriating, painful, and humiliating when this happens to me, of course… but in an erotic way. It never triggers a flashback or a panic attack, or even makes me feel unsafe). But if a man just raises his voice to me or touches me the wrong way, it can totally freak me out.

Nicky’s theory (which makes sense to me, and feels like the truth) about why women can basically do anything to me without setting off my PTSD is that my formative all-girl bondage experiences, which could get kind of rough, ultimately always felt safe in some deep way, so my conditioning to feel safe when I’m playing like that with women is older and deeper than my PTSD.

So I’ve had very few sexual experiences with guys, and even fewer positive ones, and lots of sexual experiences with women… and I guess the longer this goes on, the more it reinforces my leaning toward women.

Nicky was the last male lover I had, and that was about five years ago now, and before that it had been over three years since I’d been with a man (and that time didn’t go well). I don’t really expect to have another male lover in the future, and if I don’t, I won’t feel like my life is missing anything. And Nicky is kind of a good, positive note to end on, anyway. Nicky never set off my PTSD at all. Partly that was because he knows a lot about PTSD and had helped people deal with it before, but a lot of it was his being autistic… his body language and his way of being in the world, just his whole presence, was so different and alien that on my radar screen he just didn’t show up as a man, he seemed more like some kind of magical reptilian faerie creature… he was just so alien that he totally scrambled my radar and could get close without setting any alarms off.

As Mistress Yoko’s slave, I’m not allowed any sexual activity at all, except for self-pleasuring and the evil things that Mistress Yoko has Neige do to me when the whim strikes her. The last time I had any kind of sexual activity besides that was for the one day in August 2004 that Neige and I had Valkyrie in our power and made her pleasure us extensively. And the last time before that was in the Fall of 2003, when I had my first fling with Neige, back when I could still beat Neige at wrestling. It pleases my cruel mistress to keep me in a state of constant frustration and sexual desperation, relieved only when and how it amuses her. In this pathetic situation, I’ve discovered, as the months have gone by, that I hunger for sex with women (that is, I hunger for the parts of sex with women that aren’t permitted to me as a slave, like playing with a woman’s breasts or having a woman go down on me), but I don’t miss sex with men at all. So it’s possible that I don’t even really count as bisexual anymore, and am just scared of the L word. Though I still wouldn’t kick Johnny Depp out of bed.

2. Is sex with men a different flavor for you?

The first thing you need to know is that I’m 100% kinky all the way to the bone. Bondage and domination play is the only sex that turns me on or holds any interest for me. I’ve been that way ever since my very first sexual experience, and I think I might have kind of been that way beforehand, too. I’ve never had a sexual fantasy, a satisfying sexual experience, or even a sexy dream that didn’t involve BDSM… and when I say “involve,” I don’t mean as foreplay or added spice, I mean as the main event. No sexual activity interests me unless it openly involves someone getting completely dominated.

I prefer the ways women play bondage and domination games to the ways that men play them. There’s just a different feel to it (even beyond the issues I talked about in the previous question)… so yes, I guess that would qualify as a different flavor. There’s a way girls tease that’s totally different from the way guys tease. I never enjoyed the male “flavor” as much… maybe that’s mostly because I got hooked on the “girly flavor” that I experienced so much in those formative teen years? Of course, there are always exceptions to such generalizations about “flavor”… Nicky was a flavor all his own, and Neige, Valkyrie, and Mistress Yoko have their own unique flavor (individually and as a team) that’s not like anything I’ve ever experienced before…

3. How did you connect with Yoko?

Mistress Yoko tells some of the early part of the story in “Tales of an Accidental Mistress, Part One,” which she wrote for the Tales & Art section of this site. Hopefully she’ll be writing Parts Two and Three sometime soon, but I’m sure not in any position to make her stick to a deadline. My own side of the story is kind of scattered throughout my old blog entries.

Basically, we both started reading each other’s blogs right from when they started, because we were both reading Nicky’s blog and he posted links to each of our blogs as soon as we started blogging. Mistress Yoko wrote to me and introduced herself (my blog didn’t have the ability for readers to leave comments on it in those days, so that was the only way for readers to communicate with me), and we’d developed a nice online friendship long before I discovered her evil, dominant side.

4. You’re originally from the Philly area, aren’t you? Do you ever miss it?

Yeah, I’m from one of the many suburban towns in the greater Philly area. I don’t know if I miss the area, or if I just miss my late high school years. I guess there are things about it I miss… Autumn is so pretty there, and California doesn’t get Summer lightning storms. I think the Philly area is generally prettier… not just the seasons and trees and stuff, but the buildings, especially the old buildings that have been around since Colonial times.

5. I can’t think of a fifth question. How about you just tell me something revealing and interesting?!

My favorite subject in school was Math.

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I’m Back!

Posted by Lila on April 25th, 2006

Yay! I’m back!

Well, actually, I never went away, only this blog did. Here’s Nicky’s post explaining what happened to it (Nicky hosts the Guttergaunt.com domain for me on his web hosting account). It’s really sucked having the blog down so long, it’s been pretty much all month… and before that, in late March, I was sick with the worst flu of my life, and while I was sick the monitor on my computer died… the new monitor arrived the day after the server crash that wiped out the blog. So all in all, I’ve been absent from the blogosphere for almost a month and a half!

Nicky is on break from school this week, so yesterday evening he finally had time to help me recreate this blog… and I needed a lot of help, really he basically did almost all of the work himself. He was going to come over here and do it, but now he’s sick (I sure hope he doesn’t get as sick as I got), so he did it from his own computer while I sat here at my computer and answered his emails when he needed my input on something.

Nicky was able to salvage every one of my past entries, but we lost all the old reader comments. Damn. Of course, most of the reader comments involved people teasing me and encouraging Mistress Yoko to torment and abuse me in various evil ways, so I guess there’s no need for me to be too broken up about losing them.

Neige has visited me twice since the last time I wrote an entry. The first time was almost a month ago, while I was sick and my monitor was dead. That visit was an errand of mercy on her part, which is pretty amazing because as I’m sure all my readers know, mercy isn’t a trait that is usually associated with Neige. But she brought me a whole bunch of soup from the restaurant she works at, and some books and comics.

She also inspected me (she didn’t make me stand up for it) and discovered that I’d been too sick to shave my privates for a few days, and she told me that since I had the excuse of being sick, instead of punishing me she would just shave me herself, right there in my bed without me having to move. While I had to admit that this was a lot more merciful than unfairly punishing me for being sick, I still begged her not to shave me because I was already uncomfortably aroused and too sick to really do anything about it (for some reason I don’t understand, laying sick in bed often has that effect on me, and Neige’s inspection wasn’t helping any), and I knew that her touch down there would drive me crazy. Of course, she didn’t listen to my begging, and made extra sure to take her time and touch and tease me while she shaved me, and I was too weak to do anything about it but lie there and whimper. But then she was merciful again, and brought me to orgasm with her fingers when she was done shaving me. I think that was what I’d really needed, in fact, because my fever broke just a few hours later.

Neige visited me again two weeks ago, on the evening of Monday the 10th. Earlier that day, I’d exchanged some emails with Mistress Yoko while Mistress Yoko was at work. At the time, Mistress Yoko was having Internet problems of her own; she couldn’t connect to the Internet on her home computer, she only had web and email access at work (that problem has since been fixed). I have to admit that part of why I picked that day to exchange emails with her was that I knew Neige was going to be visiting that evening and I was hoping to get a hint about whether Mistress Yoko would be joining us via Instant Messenger or email, because I hate suspense and I wanted an idea of what I might be in for.

Usually when Mistress Yoko doesn’t join us, Neige goes easy on me these days because I’ve learned to be careful not to do anything that Mistress Yoko might tell her to punish me for. But when Mistress Yoko joins us, she tortures me just for her own cruel amusement, regardless of whether I’ve actually displeased her or not. So I was relieved to learn of Mistress Yoko’s Internet connection problems, because it meant that I’d be getting off relatively easy.

Unfortunately, the whole thing backfired on me… of course. When will I learn that every time I try to outsmart Mistress Yoko, it always ends up backfiring on me and getting me punished? After the usual inspection, Neige tied me hand and foot and produced the dreaded cane. She then informed me that Mistress Yoko had decided that in my emails earlier that day I’d sounded a bit too smug about not having to be tortured by Mistress Yoko that evening, so Mistress Yoko had decided that I needed to be reminded that, with Neige’s help, she could have me tortured anytime it pleased her, whether or not she was online at the time.

Despite my indignant protests, Neige proceeded to give me ten strokes of the cane on the backs of my thighs, and another ten on my bare bottom, allowing plenty of time between strokes to build the suspense and to make me say things like, “I’m a naughty little slave girl and I deserve to be punished for failing to show proper respect to Mistress Yoko.”

But the caning didn’t end with those 20 strokes… after that, Neige informed me that Mistress Yoko had also decreed that Neige was to play Jennifer’s Evil Caning Game with me. For those who don’t remember, that game, invented by Jennifer of Naked Oblivion especially to be used on me, goes like this: my arms are crossed behind my back and tied with wrists at opposite elbows, leaving me completely unable to protect my nether regions. My ankles are loosely tied together so I can only take small steps, and I’m blindfolded. Then Neige puts some loud music on the stereo, and moves quietly around the room, calling to me softly. My goal is to figure out where she is now, and move toward her. If I turn away from her, she sneaks up and gives me a stinging stroke of the cane on my thighs or bottom, and then moves to a new location. The game usually continues until I’m crying so hard that I obviously can’t play at all anymore… which a lot of the time doesn’t take very long, because the suspense and fear and sudden pain when I can’t see is horrible. It’s especially bad when my thighs and bottom have already been thoroughly “tenderized” by earlier punishment, as was the case that evening.

I hate, hate, hate the Evil Caning Game, and of course Mistress Yoko and Neige both love it. Oh, Jennifer, I’ll never forgive you for inventing that game! I hope that someone plays it with you someday!

So now I’m back in the world of blogging again, and all caught up on my reports of Neige’s visits. More updates soon, hopefully about less distressing matters.

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